There’s this amazing feeling of satisfaction that I get in my mouth when I bite into a roast beef sandwich. It’s a pretty unique sensation that you just don’t get with turkey or ham. Weird.

Last night I had a dream that a tooth fell out of my mouth while I was flossing. It’s one of the ones in the front, on the bottom. I went to the dentist to have them put it back in and they were like “Okay! But we have to put you to sleep ’cause it’ll hurt like hell.” I’m all “Bring it on! Just fix my mouth!!!”

Here’s where it gets weird. Instead of gassing me, they put this weird paste in my mouth that was supposed to knock me out. I think I’ve seen a vet use it on a horse once as a tranquilizer. It was weird. I instantly started to pass out, but I never really fully lost consciousness. They’re like “Can you hear me?” and I go “Umfummungff” and they’re like “Okay, just wait a little longer and the next thing you know it’ll all be over!” Then they leave the room.

So I’m laying there half awake/asleep for a good 30 minutes sucking on this chunk of horse knockout paste in my mouth, and nobody comes in to see me or anything. I’m like “What the hell. I’m going to look around.” I tried to get out of the chair, but my arms felt like they weighed about 50 pounds and I couldn’t lift my head at all. Eventually I managed to throw my arms over the side of the chair and I landed face-first on the ground. I managed to get up on all fours about five minutes later. So I’m stumbling all over the office, knocking stuff over and trying to open my eyes enough to see where I’m going, but I’m just too screwed up from the drugs. The dentist hears me and she comes in to see what all the ruckus is.

“What’s going on? Did you want a magazine?” And I’m all crawling on the floor shouting “OMMFAHRLAGABAHH TOOTH!” So she leaves to get me a magazine. Then I start thinking “I can’t read a magazine like this!” Then for some reason I decided that I’d really like to listen to the news on NPR and that I needed to buy a radio right away. So I managed to crawl to the front door of the dentist’s office, get to my feet and stumble through the parking lot to Long’s drugstore like a hunchback, all the while dodging honking cars that I can’t see because I can barely open my eyes.

When I get to the front of the store, the chinese ladies from the dentist’s office were waiting for me. One of them had a bat, but they mostly looked like they were worried for me. I blacked out as soon as they saw me.

When I woke up in my bed this morning and my tooth was back in place, I knew that I had chosen a good dentist.