I’m pretty particular about my pooping habits at work. When it comes to number two I am in and out of there lickety split. If it takes me more than a minute to do my business, something’s wrong. What can I say – it’s a gift.

However. There is a limit to this power. I can’t let ’em fall if someone else is in a stall. I can’t do my plops if someone else is in the shop. I can’t drop a deuce if I see a feller’s boots.

Bottom line – I need a completely empty bathroom to let loose. Hearing someone’s turds splashdown is about the grossest thing ever, so I try not to be on either end of that audio transaction.

If I need to drop my kids off at the pool and someone else is in the bathroom I’ll act like I just came in to wash my hands, and then I head down to the first floor of the building to use the bathroom there.

If THAT bathroom is in use, then I enter into what I call Double Jeopardy. At this point I need to weigh my options: Do I venture up to the third and fourth floors to check those bathrooms? Is it really worth the trip? Or should I just go back to the office and hold it for a few minutes before I check again, knowing full well that this gives my officemates the impression that I have a pretty urgent case of diarrhea?

It’s a daily battle.

At our last office we had the whole building to ourselves and didn’t have to share bathrooms with other companies. The view from the top-floor bathroom was spectacular and really got things moving. If you were brave enough to poop with the blinds open you could just sit and watch the world go by. This is that view.

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