Halloween was pretty fun when I was a kid.

Then I grew up, and I realized that candy’s cheap and I can buy any candy I want, any time I feel like it.

When I moved into my own house I started to get excited for Halloween again because I’d actually be on the candy-giving side of the transaction. That was fun for about 30 minutes.

Having the doorbell ring every 30 seconds is kind of a pain! You can’t watch TV, you can’t play video games, you can’t take phone calls, and you can’t even carry on a conversation with anyone else in your house. You’re pretty much tethered to the front door all night long.

Tammy’s in Montreal this week so tonight I won’t even be able to poop.

I could be a bastard and just turn all my lights off, but we all know what happens to people who turn their lights off. Kids would just bang on the door and ring the bell anyway. I might even end up with some toilet paper or eggs on my front door as a bonus. No, turning your lights off on Halloween is no option.

It’s not that I hate kids. Or even giving candy to kids. It’s just that I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and getting up from my oh-so-comfortable oversized couch every 30 seconds to answer the door is disruptive to that lifestyle.

Thanks for the holiday, Satan!